I know the voices in my head aren’t real..... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!

It’s better to shut up and give the impression that you’re stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.

Tell your boss what you really think about him, and the truth shall set you free, from your job.

My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!

You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.

Some days, you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue, just live with it.